Free to Soar

appreciation
Posted by Rebecca on Monday, April 30, 2012 at 3:07pm
I want to thank Kurt Goff and the kind staff at WDCX-FM in Buffalo, NY for having me as a guest on the Lifeline show today. What an honor to be able to speak into the lives of the listeners of that wonderful radio station. As we continue to look into the reasons why a victim remains in an abusive situation, I would like to pause here to look into the intentions of the victim, be it male or female. Their heart may very well be in the right place, as they simply want to have a strong, healthy relationship. They want to give the children a stable home life. However, due to their background or the twisting of the master manipulator they live with, they do not see that this relationship as unhealthy. It was at least eleven years into my marriage before I saw that my husband was abusive. Prior to that I remained because I was committed to the marriage for life. Yet he embarrassed all of us with his behavior. For some reason I always wanted to be able to reason with him. If he could just see the truth about himself, he would change. This is typical. Once I finally saw the reality about what he was I grappled with what I should do. I was afraid of what would take place if the law was to get involved. There was no way to predict how volatile my husband would be after that. I feared for my life and that of our children. I hope you are beginning to see the intense emotions that intertwine within the heart of the victim. As he or she remains in that situation, please reach out in honest compassion and remain available to assist in rescuing them and delivering them to a place of safety. I am amazed at the wisdom of my friend who continued to call regularly when my husband was at work. She checked on the well-being of all of us. Yet probably the best thing she did was to ask one day if he had physicallly hurt me. I needed that to wake me up to reality. That one question from a person who genuinely cared gave clarity to what I saw from then on. I cannot implore you enough to do the same for someone you see that is being mistreated. More in my next blog on the same subject, Rebecca why victims stay
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April 30, 2012 radio interview
Posted by Rebecca on Friday, April 20, 2012 at 7:04pm
WDCX-FM in Buffalo, NY has requested that I be on the Lifeline show April 30th from 3:00-4:00 p.m. Eastern time. If you do not live in the area, they also stream live on the web. You may go to their website http://wdcxfm.com to listen in. This is an exciting opportunity that I am very grateful for. Ever grateful, Rebecca interviews
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brainwashed
Posted by Rebecca on Sunday, April 8, 2012 at 4:05pm
I suppose there are as many reasons why victims remain with their abuser as there are relationships, but as long as I am able to obtain information regarding why they do, I will continue to add it to this blog. There are many types of abuse: psychological, verbal, physical, financial, sexual, spiritual, neglect, isolation, and stalking. Regardless what type of abuse is going on she may believe the reason he abuses is her fault. He has told her that if she would just keep the kids quiet, have supper ready on his timetable, get the house clean, etc., then he wouldn't lose his temper and abuse her or the children. She has no reason to beleive anything ese. He may have told her that since she won't do what he wants (in actuality, it's what he demands) then she doesn't love him. Are you beginning to see the heavy load that can easily be taken on her shoulders? To the victim it can then easily become her responsibility to keep this relationship together. Notice that none of the above three topics are truly the fault of the victim, but clearly that of the perpitrator. Yet with the mind games the abuser plays, she takes these things on as her responsibility. The bottom line is that he will rarely admit any wrong action is his fault, as he is incapable of any emotionally healthy action like owning up to his own stuff. The very reason he abuses stems from his unhealthy emotions. He needs help, but will not seek it out or consistently keep his appointments even if he does finally agree to go. An abuser almost never wants to own his own mistakes. It is much more convenient to blame someone else, and his partner is the most convenient scapegoat. Yet the facts boil down to the abuse being the fault of the abuser. Getting that through to the victim takes some time. If you had been taught as a child that the color of the sky is green, it would take some time to totally convince you that it is actually blue. It's no different with anyone who has been brainwashed. Compassion is needed for the victim and her children. They need a safe place to get help. A place of quiet is so necessary to sort out all the junk they have lived through, recover, and begin the next steps of her life. Shelters are so vital in this process. I will be forever grateful for the three shelters that helped me. If you know someone who needs to get out, please point her in the right direction. The National Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE, or you may call 211 for a wide array of assistance. why victims stay
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emotional abuse - a guest blog
Posted by Rebecca on Wednesday, March 7, 2012 at 5:47pm
I want to interrupt my series on Why Women Stay to post a guest blog by a dear family member. Amanda graciously gave me permission to put this out for all of you to read, and for that, I both thank and applaud her courage in telling a portion of her story. Amanda, you are a courageous young woman who has not had an easy life. Congratulations for allowing yourself to heal as you faced the realities of what you have lived through. As each of you read this eloquent piece, please consider leaving a comment to encourage Amanda. It will not be seen by the public until I have authorized it. If you prefer, I could send it to her privately; just let me know when you leave your comment. I would be happy to keep it confidential for you. I recently checked your blog, and if I may, I'd like to suggest adding something about emotional abuse. When we think of domestic violence, we always think of the hitting and the neglect...the taking away of privileges and withholding praise. We think about the fear and the shame, but sometimes it is so much more subtle than that. Young women especially should NEVER be made to feel that they are less than anything. I dated a guy once who always threw in subtle offhanded comments that would seriously dent my self esteem. He took me shopping once and helped me pick out a nice outfit. When I had the new outfit on we then went to dinner. At dinner he told me how nice I looked and that it was nice to be at dinner with me looking like a pretty girl instead of like a tomboy. I at the time, of course, laughed it off. The more time I spent with him though, the more I realized what was going on. He would give me praise that was always laced with something poisonous. I couldn't be pretty unless I dressed "like a girl." I couldn't play-wrestle with him and show him that I was stronger than him, then I'd get knocked down. I couldn't prove in an argument that I was smarter than him on a topic, because then he'd find something to embarrass me with. As I got wiser to what was going on, I realized I was living the relationship on a sharp edge. He would draw me to the tip of this sword with praise and affection, then slide me down the blade with cutting remarks and criticism. I became empowered enough, finally, to tell him that I would not tie my life to his and that I wasn't a doll or a toy to play with. He never "beat me up" or put me in fear for my life - but he did make me doubt myself and my self worth. This kind of abuse doesn't leave the physical scars, but the recovery from the emotional is hard. You always think "were they right?" There are always going to be the predator out there - the man that knows what strings to pull to draw in a young woman with lower self esteem. If a relationship ever changes you - takes away what you love, makes you doubt yourself, or takes away something you value of yourself - it is not worth it. Get out. All women who have ever experienced any kind of abuse need to speak up and speak out. We are not a weak sex. Don't mistake empathy and compassion for passiveness. No abuse should be tolerated and shame on anyone who takes advantage of a person who's constitution is weaker than their own. emotional abuse
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getting help
Posted by Rebecca on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 6:23pm
In my last blog post I explained some of the basic dynamics commonly found in situations with domestic violence. Although it may have sounded complicated as you read the scenario, each case can be more complex than what I spelled out. The more factors that are involved only makes matters worse. So if the victim is confused with the fairly simple picture I painted previously, try to imagine how difficult it must be the more involved the situation is. So let's say the victim gets the idea that it might be a good idea to leave. This ushers in a whole new thought process that is added to an already boiling pot. Due to the state of confusion the abuser keeps their home in, she has a difficult time being able to focus on any kind of logical thinking along these lines. I don't mean to imply she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown or that she has a mental disorder. What I am trying to say is that in order to be able to properly focus on such a weighty matter, her thinking needs to be clear. In the home of an abuser, nothing is clear except that they are in charge and everyone else snaps at attention when they speak. So let's say she finally leaves him. Now she's got another huge ingredient that has been added to the cooking pot. Perhaps the children are blaming her for splitting up the family. She may even buy into that guilt. Somehow he finds out the phone number where she is staying and he calls her. Due to his harassments and the children's pointing to her as the one at fault, she begins to weaken. Before too long she has forgotten all the bad that has been endured, and she returns to him. The cycle of abuse is repeated, beginning with the reconciliation stage, followed by the classic honeymoon phase. Yet he is unable to keep things calm and peaceful for long. Before she is able to realize what is happening, the tension begins to build again. Not too long after that another incident occurs. Let's say this time he physically abuses her for the first time. She calls the police and they begin to take him away in handcuffs. All of a sudden reality hits her and she feels responsible. She changes her mind and doesn't want to press charges against him. Or maybe she sees that now she will be responsible for herself and the family. She panics as she recalls how he has so often told her that she will never be able to make it on her own. Another possibility is that she is reminded how much she really loves him. It is torturing to her to see him being led away by the police. She begs the officers, and later the judge, to let him come back. Are you beginning to see how she is pulled in so many directions? Each time she returns or he comes back into the home, the domestic violence worsens. It also becomes more frequent. As this is repeated, family quickly tires of this drama, and wants no part of it. Friends finally turn their backs as well. She is losing the very support she needs. Now she is beginning to feel stuck. Her relationship becomes even more unhappy. Since she is at a loss for where to turn for help, panic joins hands with confusion. This is when she may be most vulnerable to listen to a caring person. I can't urge you strongly enough to come alongside her if you haven't yet. If there is an emergency, call 911 immediately. You may need to talk to someone, ask questions or just have another person listen to your story or that of your friend. Call the National Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or call 211 to get a wide array of help. Longing to see each person get the help they need, Rebecca why victims stay
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